Summer Time
The summer came and went. The year’s end is just around the corner and thankfully I’m still around, living in this city of angels. It has been a while since I last sat down to record my thoughts on this crazy life of mine. On July my grandmother’s birthday coincided, as it does every year, with the U.S. Independence Day. We jokingly proclaim that the entire nation stops to observe the day my grandmother came to be. As I hugged her while watching the fireworks at the park near her house, I felt the strange need to be a kid again and to drag her to the market to buy me a toy. It brought a bittersweet feeling to see my oak-tree a little bit older and somewhat tired. However, her determination to continue to live and to give is more than inspiring. At her 72 years she has been through a lot, she has seen a world war, a couple of economic crisis, she moved to a different country, lost large amount of land and properties in Mexico when her mom passed away (my grandmother was 5 yrs old), she also dealt with a cheating husband, raised three kids by herself and now takes the time to spoil her grandchildren and her newly born great granddaughter. I love her so much. I pray that God grants me many more years with her.
But, where have the months gone? The summer quarter at school just flew. When I least noticed it, it was Finals time. I’m a step closer to graduating and that just gives me the energy I need to continue pushing till the end. What is this all about? Is it really worth the effort? Those are just rhetoric questions; of course I know the answers. It is just that at times it seems too hard. But my fear is that in a couple of years, it will be much harder to live a life not having gone through this to finish school.
So much happens in such a short amount of time. It is interesting to see how life just moves and keeps moving. I have attended weddings of a couple of friends. I have welcomed new lives to this world, one in my very own family. I have seen young men, who just a couple of years ago were still playing in the mud as children. Life just passes by. Time does not forgive. I’m glad I get to see this. I’m glad I get to take notice to make the best of it. Truly a day is worth gold if one takes into consideration the value of every second. Every moment is priceless because it won’t come back. The time I have spent with my family and friends has changed significantly. I hope it just gets better.
The toughest blow to ones life is the one that comes from inside. It’s the one that mutates and changes from love to fear, from fear to doubt, from doubt to indifference and from indifference to nothing right before your very eyes. The relationship with “E” followed that pattern. He was diagnosed HIV+ only to be told 24hrs later that it was a clinic’s mistake: He’s still HIV negative. Those 24 hours brought upon me the heaviest burden I had felt, even heavier than my own diagnosis. To see someone come to grips to such news is something I do not want to see again. Even though it was all cleared-up a day after, those hours brought up guilt on my part and hopelessness on his. I literally saw him dying in a couple of minutes. His life was destroyed, his hopes seemed unattainable to him anymore. To him it was the end. This hurt me not only because I was the “apparent” direct cause of this harm, but also because it gave me a glimpse into what he thought of my situation – which did not cleared-up in 24 hours and I have to live with daily. It was a blow, I don’t know if to the heart, to my gut or to my brain. Either way, it hurt like hell. It still hurts. It’s been about four months and though time has been my aide on this challenge, it itself is taking its time to do it. Only God knows why. I don’t ask for an answer. I don’t need them anymore. I guess because I know they might not come during my lifetime. So I just continue to move on and see what the next day will bring my way.
And so the summer ended. The sun slowly gives way to early sunsets and the coldness of the fall, meaningless as it might be when compared to the East coast, shows us the never-ending cycle of time. Half a year has passed. It’s all good. I’m still here… and of course I’m still queer.
posted by Guerrero Azteca @ 3:41 PM
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