Out In Town

Hapy New Year 2007

The New Year begins and everyone is excited. There are resolutions being drafted on paper napkins, new decision being taken for the long haul and immediate subscriptions to the closest gym being signed. But, one must wonder: Do things really change at the end of the last second of December 31st? If it does, how does this change come about? What determines the end and beginning of old habits? I don’t think there is a specific answer to that. It seems to be more of result from a specific state of mind. One’s deep desire to start all over again is gratefully and cheerfully embraced by the fact that this old planet has concluded another rotation around the sun. However, the question behind these plans and resolutions is not do we really change, but instead do we really want to change?

On December 30th some friends and I ended up at a popular bar on Sunset Blvd. At around midnight, it was “gay- life” at its prime: alcohol, music, heightened sexual prowl, expensive-brand-name-fitted clothes and feathers. Well, maybe not feathers. It seemed all so good, so perfect, so gay…so fake. In the perfect world of athletic bodies and $300 designer jeans, the superficiality of the gay ambiance was at its core. And there I was sharing in the fun confidently, my jeans might have not cost me $300, there were originally priced at well over $100 and got them at about half the price. The alcohol was starting to make its effect on me due to margaritas, mojitos, beers, and one-too-many adios-mother-fucker. This fact of course did not help the “suggestive” dance moves that might have been perceived by others as an invitation to partake in a more personal dancing session. However, in the midst of all this and as the glitter started to settle in, a clearer picture of this distortional reality was more visible. I saw things that for the first time shocked me. It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard, seen or done such things. It was that there were my friends going at it and at a public place. The beauty of alcohol consumption is the perfect excuse to deny or hide behind after a crazy night out. In my case it was the perfect excuse to get lost in the music beats and reject that any of that is actually happening. The unavoidable after-party suggested by one of the many horny “fag-hags” looking to get laid with “the” confused man among a huge crowd of uninterested men proved to be too much for me. My drunken brain slowly processed the needed information to react and leave the scene.

The following day as I tried to recover from the hang over all I could try to do was to explain the previous night events. What was wrong with that picture? If nothing, then why did I feel so bothered by it? Why didn’t I joined the “fun” and followed the crowd to the after-party? The only answer I could find out was one I was not willing to utter. Morality and Religion are so filled with hypocrisy that just to consider it as the solution or the lack-there-of as a reason for the previous nights events was too much for one night. All I knew for sure was that this night had disillusioned me about what I thought was being gay. It seemed I had just witnessed a complete picture of the stereotypical "gay world" I swore didn’t exist. I felt so stupid for believing otherwise.

On December 31st, I had planned to ring in the New Year at a party with a friend of mine and I almost called to cancel. After some thought I decided to go. After all, I had already bought clothes to wear that night…and clothes cannot just sit in one’s closet unworn: that would be blasphemy! The more than 40 miles that separate the city of LA from Simi Valley were not long enough to separate my mind from the previous night outcome. I thought this night would be an exact replica of yesterday. And I felt worried by the fact that this time I was not sure exactly were I was headed geographically, and that I was not in control because someone else was driving. We stopped on the way to pick up two more people and the gay talk began. It was fun, as always. The home we arrived to was small but very well decorated. The Christmas spirit was visible a couple of houses away: clearly standing out in Christmas is a gay factor. The night went by with the familiar drinks and music on the background. However, the atmosphere was different. It was more laid back and social. There were a group of gay couples that seemed to hold the group together. Many of my questionings into this kind of relationships were answered that night. The talks, the jokes, the music, the laugher and the unavoidable gossip brought a new light to my troubled mind. For the remaining of the night I do not recall ever thinking again on what had happened at the bar. I was perplexed by the sincere and caring public demonstrations of affection by the couples in attendance. I was astonished by the obvious love and friendship that was shared among them all. Even the “guests” two other guys and me, were cordially welcomed to be fully members of the group for the night. I laughed so much at the puns and jokes made by one of the hosts that I felt I worked out all I ate for dinner. I had great talks with some of the guys that night. It felt good to be reminded that the gay community is a community like any other: with its pros and its cons.

Finally, we rang in the New Year with grapes, champagne, hugs and kisses. Good wishes were exchanged as we saw the New York Ball drop to announce the beginning of 2007. It was a good night. It is a good beginning. The last second of 2006 inexplicably closed and opened a new era in my state of mind. A window to start all over was suddenly opened and I felt the need to not let it close. Now as I look at my resolutions on my paper napkin, I see that I do want to change. I want to be able to see beyond the superficiality of the gay world and submerge into the unique and just as important humanity of it. With this fact respect, tolerance and acceptance must be front-runners without compromising who I am.

This was a great year's beginning indeed!!!

posted by Guerrero Azteca @ 6:25 PM