Out In Town

¡Hola ....Nice to meet you!

The Fall term at school is in full motion with four midterms just around the corner. My birthday was just a couple of weeks ago – food, gifts, dancing, drinking…the works. The fourth fiscal quarter at work is beginning and with it all the last minute reports to find out what we did wrong throughout the year. No doubt, a beautiful life! At my 26 years there’s really very few things I would change. But deep inside, I know that if given the opportunity I might not dare to. My life with all its obstacles and challenges it’s been a good life. Reason enough – at least for me – to want to put my thoughts and adventures in writing in the Internet. This will help me remember those moments – those great moments out in town, in and out of this beautiful City of Angels - I sometimes overlook.

But to start something, there must be a beginning, a point of departure. There must be that BIG something that makes it BANG. My big bang was in 1980 in Mexico City, also known as DF (Distrito Federal), the capital of Mexico – I was born at 1:45PM. Due to many circumstances that I will not address here, my parents had to make the difficult choice to immigrate to the United States. Some time later, they sent for my two brothers and me. Almost twelve years have passed since that first day here in the USA. Almost twelve years since these two different worlds collided in my life and helped me to shape the man I am today. Two cultures, two languages, many traditions, but only one man: me.

This summer must have been one of the toughest in my life. Not the toughest, that one was last year. But, this summer was when I came out to my parents. I can still remember the difficulty I had to utter the words that would try to explain – or to make them understand – that I wish I didn’t have to tell them this. I wanted to run. I kept wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. But, all that changed after my dad hugged me and told me that he loved me no matter what. My mother said a lot more, but along the same lines. It seemed that they were just more concerned about my health and my spiritual life.

The reason I had to find the courage to come out to my parents was due to an unfortunate event that took place over a year ago. Ever since I can remember I knew I was gay; maybe not in those terms because I never actually used that word. Instead, I would call myself different. It became an everyday quest to eradicate those desires. I still don’t really understand why I felt they were wrong. I just did. Maybe it was the mocking towards those who acted like “girls”, or the name-calling I’d hear on TV. As I grew older, I found refuge in religion. I became a born again Christian and brought my family with me. I dated girls one in such a more serious tone that I even came close to propose and get married. Thank God I didn’t. I placed all my hopes in God changing my sexual orientation. I spent seven years serving and even leading a youth group. Even in those years I often would slip and fall into “temptation” and would “sin.” I had sex with a couple of closeted guys in college. I would feel extremely guilty afterwards. Thus, my encounters would simple become just one-night-stands. Then, I would promise God that I would change, but that was beyond my control. Even if I didn’t have sexual relations with other men, I would masturbate or simply fantasize about it. That was the unchanging patter of seven long years: lust, desire, sex, guilt and repression. So, last year when I was diagnosed with HIV I felt that God was punishing me. Naturally, the guilt and the repression were there – along with the thought that I was going to die. Thank God, I found a great support group that help me and guided me through this new phase of my life. I’ve gone through all my check ups. I have followed up all the doctor’s recommendations and I’ve done extensive research on the subject – including the area of those who belief HIV is just a conspiracy. I decided, after a year of avoiding them, to start with the medicines. So, I felt the need to come clean before my family. I knew I needed to tell them and so I did.

It’s been a couple of months after I started the medicines. I’m only taking two pills – which are actually four. I take them every night. One of them is supposed to make me have nightmares, but so far I haven’t had any side effects other than the initial rash on my arms – which disappeared in week. I pray to God that my body continues to react positively to the medicines and that he grants me health and strength to continue to live many more years.

That was my summer. Intense!! But, even though I had talked to my two brothers (20 and 23 years old) about my status/orientation and now that my parents are well informed of my life, I still feel hesitant to venture into the gay world. I’ve gone gay-clubbing, I’ve gone gay-bar hopping, I’ve attended certain events, but I still find it difficult to be part of it. I’m still working on reconciling my belief and love for God with the fact that I know I’m gay. I know it will take time. So, in short (or long) this is me. I will continue to share my adventures and days “out with them boys” with anyone who is interested in reading them. Names and places will be changed or omitted to protect the identities of those involved in this crazy life of mine.

posted by Guerrero Azteca @ 5:19 PM