Out In Town

Rock, Opera & Carne Asada ... only in L.A.

There is no doubt that LA is a beautiful city of contrasts. Its incredible size and its connectivity give its residents the unique – yet sometimes bumper-to-bumper slow - opportunity to enjoy fun, exciting and marvelous events and performances. This past Friday I had the pleasure to witness why Alejandra Guzman is one of the best exponents of Mexico’s musical talent. She performed at Circus, a gay club in Hollywood. Her energy is amazing. If this kind of energy is in her genes, then there is no wonder why her mother and father continue to work at their age.



She came out at around 11:00 PM. Immediately, she won over the crowd and made everyone dance. Her new CD’s songs were the first ones she sang, but well into the concert she brought back her most famous hits. I did not feel cheated at all. In fact, I would have paid more to see her. It seem obvious that she was enjoying herself on that stage. Or, maybe it was just the crowd what made this performance different? Uninhibited gay people, singing, jumping and dancing; that could have explained a lot, as well. But why does the gay community feel such a strong connection with singers such as her, Thalia and Gloria Trevi or in the Anglo world with Madonna? Could it be something beyond the beats? I think so. The connection seems to be through the lyrics. They are not necessarily intended for gay crowds, however they can be easily embraced to represent our feelings and emotions. Not for the fact that they are songs of love/hate towards men who have been dicks, but instead, because many of those songs speak of empowerment and of one’s identity. We want to believe we are “un desastre total, malas hierbas” (a total disaster, bad weeds - bad to the bone) and as the song goes, that wherever we've been we have left no stone standing. We want to believe that “todos me miran, porque hago lo que pocos se atreveran” (everyone stares at me because I do what few would dare.) But more than anything I think because gay people just as much as women, are constantly fighting to achieve equality on a world still ruled by a religiously-hypocrite macho point of view. Thus, songs like the one that follows have become a kind of anthem for some people:

Thalia/Alaska y Dinarama – ¿A quien le importa? (Who cares?!)
People point at me with their fingers – They whisper behind my back – And I don’t give a f…. – What do I care if I am different to them? – I am no one’s, I have no owner - I know they criticize me – I’m certain that they hate me – Envy kills them - My life concerns them too much – Why is that? – It is not my fault – My circumstances insult them – My destiny is what I decide for myself – Who cares what I do? – Who cares what I say? – I am like this and so I will continue – I will never change – Maybe it’s my fault for not following the norm – But it is too late to change it now and go back – I will stand firm on my convictions I will reinforce my positions – My destiny is what I decide for myself.

Amen???

On Saturday, I attended the closing event for the Celebrations of the Hispanic Month in the United States. At the L.A. Music Center they had all-day events to bring in to town the best of the Hispanic culture. They had in the plaza free Salsa, Merengue, Samba, Tango and Mexican Polka classes. They also had an amazing Concert/Opera/Play to honor Mexican trumpeter Rafael Mendez titled “Un Concierto para Mendez.” It was incredible. The blend of the orchestra with the traditional Mexican trumpet sound was a truly unique mix. Then, all these sounds were incorporated into a play that told the story of this courageous man. Very inspirational, to say the least. I was left with a very motivational quote: “Lo que vences es lo que te define …. What you overcome is what defines you.” It just made me think that I have many things that I need to overcome, so my definition will be a long one!! In all seriousness, I couldn’t agree more. Courageous people are not defined as courageous because they run away when adversity comes their way. They are defined as courageous because they stand strong and face the challenges in their lives – and sometimes in the lives of others as well. I couldn’t help but wonder what will define me? What is that which I will overcome in the next months, in the next years, in the rest of my life? Whatever it is, I hope it has a great deal to do with the enhancement of people’s lives, and with knowledge, liberty, respect and tolerance. While in the vicinity I also visited the LA Cathedral. Not a traditional church building, but an amazing building, I must admit. By walking through it you can see why so much money was spent on it. It’s a beautiful place that proclaims the failing stronghold of the Catholic Church. What more could have been done with 187 million dollars? I don’t know, they wouldn’t have solved the world hunger, but like many, despite its beauty and artistic contribution to LA, I wonder if it was needed.

Later that night, I went with to a restaurant in Burbank to celebrate my friend’s birthday. A lot of people showed up and she seemed encouraged by that fact. Later on we headed for some ice-cream and coffee – crazy I know! I’ve known her for many years, since I was part of the youth group at church. We talked a lot about God and about my spiritual life. I wish I could have told her what has been going on, but it was her birthday and an GAY/HIV news is not necessarily the best birthday present. Besides, we are not really that close anymore. Our lives have been taking different paths as of the last two years and it did not seem essential right there. We will have time later on, for sure.

Finally, on Sunday my cousin threw a surprise birthday for my aunt. It was a very emotive time because my cousin has been going through a rebel phase. He’s walked out of his house twice in the middle of the night because of serious arguments with his parents regarding his “teenager” behavior. So, the fact that he did this, as a surprise for his mom was a big deal. She was radiant. I guess a son’s minimum act of love erases any past harsh words. A mother’s love is truly one and unique in this world. So, this was the end of my weekend. I ended my night at Starbucks with a friend studying for a midterm I have on Thursday. It was just another weekend in the West Coast!

posted by Guerrero Azteca @ 3:46 PM 0 comments

¡Hola ....Nice to meet you!

The Fall term at school is in full motion with four midterms just around the corner. My birthday was just a couple of weeks ago – food, gifts, dancing, drinking…the works. The fourth fiscal quarter at work is beginning and with it all the last minute reports to find out what we did wrong throughout the year. No doubt, a beautiful life! At my 26 years there’s really very few things I would change. But deep inside, I know that if given the opportunity I might not dare to. My life with all its obstacles and challenges it’s been a good life. Reason enough – at least for me – to want to put my thoughts and adventures in writing in the Internet. This will help me remember those moments – those great moments out in town, in and out of this beautiful City of Angels - I sometimes overlook.

But to start something, there must be a beginning, a point of departure. There must be that BIG something that makes it BANG. My big bang was in 1980 in Mexico City, also known as DF (Distrito Federal), the capital of Mexico – I was born at 1:45PM. Due to many circumstances that I will not address here, my parents had to make the difficult choice to immigrate to the United States. Some time later, they sent for my two brothers and me. Almost twelve years have passed since that first day here in the USA. Almost twelve years since these two different worlds collided in my life and helped me to shape the man I am today. Two cultures, two languages, many traditions, but only one man: me.

This summer must have been one of the toughest in my life. Not the toughest, that one was last year. But, this summer was when I came out to my parents. I can still remember the difficulty I had to utter the words that would try to explain – or to make them understand – that I wish I didn’t have to tell them this. I wanted to run. I kept wishing the ground would open up and swallow me. But, all that changed after my dad hugged me and told me that he loved me no matter what. My mother said a lot more, but along the same lines. It seemed that they were just more concerned about my health and my spiritual life.

The reason I had to find the courage to come out to my parents was due to an unfortunate event that took place over a year ago. Ever since I can remember I knew I was gay; maybe not in those terms because I never actually used that word. Instead, I would call myself different. It became an everyday quest to eradicate those desires. I still don’t really understand why I felt they were wrong. I just did. Maybe it was the mocking towards those who acted like “girls”, or the name-calling I’d hear on TV. As I grew older, I found refuge in religion. I became a born again Christian and brought my family with me. I dated girls one in such a more serious tone that I even came close to propose and get married. Thank God I didn’t. I placed all my hopes in God changing my sexual orientation. I spent seven years serving and even leading a youth group. Even in those years I often would slip and fall into “temptation” and would “sin.” I had sex with a couple of closeted guys in college. I would feel extremely guilty afterwards. Thus, my encounters would simple become just one-night-stands. Then, I would promise God that I would change, but that was beyond my control. Even if I didn’t have sexual relations with other men, I would masturbate or simply fantasize about it. That was the unchanging patter of seven long years: lust, desire, sex, guilt and repression. So, last year when I was diagnosed with HIV I felt that God was punishing me. Naturally, the guilt and the repression were there – along with the thought that I was going to die. Thank God, I found a great support group that help me and guided me through this new phase of my life. I’ve gone through all my check ups. I have followed up all the doctor’s recommendations and I’ve done extensive research on the subject – including the area of those who belief HIV is just a conspiracy. I decided, after a year of avoiding them, to start with the medicines. So, I felt the need to come clean before my family. I knew I needed to tell them and so I did.

It’s been a couple of months after I started the medicines. I’m only taking two pills – which are actually four. I take them every night. One of them is supposed to make me have nightmares, but so far I haven’t had any side effects other than the initial rash on my arms – which disappeared in week. I pray to God that my body continues to react positively to the medicines and that he grants me health and strength to continue to live many more years.

That was my summer. Intense!! But, even though I had talked to my two brothers (20 and 23 years old) about my status/orientation and now that my parents are well informed of my life, I still feel hesitant to venture into the gay world. I’ve gone gay-clubbing, I’ve gone gay-bar hopping, I’ve attended certain events, but I still find it difficult to be part of it. I’m still working on reconciling my belief and love for God with the fact that I know I’m gay. I know it will take time. So, in short (or long) this is me. I will continue to share my adventures and days “out with them boys” with anyone who is interested in reading them. Names and places will be changed or omitted to protect the identities of those involved in this crazy life of mine.

posted by Guerrero Azteca @ 5:19 PM 0 comments